Harry S. Plinkett: Half in the Baaag. Fuck movies.
[Mr. Harry S. Plinkett's house, daytime. Plinkett is shambling about in his wheelchair]
Plinkett: [singing] Ya da da da da da da da, I'm gonna sit in my favorite chair.
[Plinkett tries, with no success, to vault from his seated position to the armchair. He winds up on the floor]
Plinkett: Oh my... oh my goodness. Oh God help me.
[Things break, but he eventually manages to take his seat]
Plinkett: (contented grunting)
[Fade out to a short time later. Plinkett is reading a newspaper]
Plinkett: Looks like Jackie Gleeson's still dead.
[The doorbell rings]
Plinkett: Oh, I hope it's not another Michael Bay movie.
[Enter Mike Stoklasa, with a beer in hand. He is immediately overcome by the smell, and covers his mouth and nose. He is followed by Jay Bauman, also beered-up]
Mike Stoklasa: Oh my God, it smells like... [spotting Plinkett] Oh!
Jay Bauman: Uh, Mister Plinkett? I'm Jay, this is Mike, we're with Lightning Fast VCR Repair.
Plinkett: [puts away the paper] Oh, thank God you guys are finally here. Look, my VCR needs some work done on it. [points to it]
Mike: Is that your VCR? Oh my gawwd. Wow, that, well, that's a beaut, sir. What's wrong with it? It looks fine.
Plinkett: Ah, well, ya see, last Tuesday I was balancing my, my checkbook, and, well... [shrugs] well... you know!
[Brief cut to last Tuesday. We see Plinkett being electrocuted by the VCR]
Plinkett: Oh my God! Oh... [unintelligible cries of horror]
[Cuts back to the present]
Mike: Ooh, uh... [he is left to ponder]
[Mike and Jay huddle in a corner to discuss the situation]
Mike: Ahh.
Jay: OK.
Mike: Yeah.
Jay: We haven't had a VCR repair job in about fifteen years.
Mike: Ah, I know.
Jay: We need to milk this for as long as we can. [Plinkett is glaring over at them as he speaks]
Mike: [sighing] Well, usually the elderly are pretty stupid.
Jay: Oh, God yeah.
[Cut as they discuss the job with Plinkett]
Mike: Our current rate right now for a repair job of this nature is about $50 an hour.
Plinkett: Oh. [Mike and Jay nod in unison] You know, you two guys, you, you smell like the back seat of an old taxi cab. [They are momentarily fazed by this comment] I like that in a person, it reminds me of my dear old Dad. Hard workin' blue collar guy. [No longer fazed, they nod in approval] Kinda guy who'd come home every night, beat his wife and fuck his kids. [Fazed again] You two knuckleheads need me, I'm gonna be in the kitchen.
Mike: So... so we got the job?
Plinkett: Yeaaah.
Mike: Alright! Let's do it!
Jay: Fuck yeah! [they share a high-five]
Mike: Yeah!
Jay: Alright, uh. You go get the tools–
Mike: OK.
Jay: –I'll move chairs into the middle of the room where we can just sit and do nothing.
Mike: Alright.
Jay: Alright.
Mike: Let's do it. [Mike smashes his face into the door on the way out] Oh.
Jay: Ow, shit.
[A short time later. They are sitting on chairs in the middle of the room with beers, as planned]
Jay: So, anyway, about the fuck-saw...
Mike: Ohh, right, the fuck-saw.
Jay: Yeah, the fuck-saw, you know.
Mike: Yeah. Did you know Thomas Edison was the inventor of the fuck-saw.
Jay: Really. Was it called a fuck-saw at that point?
Mike: No, it was called the I-love-you-saw.
Jay: Oh. I guess, uh... I guess times have changed a little bit.
Mike: Times really have changed.
Jay: Yeah...
Mike: [suddenly acknowledging the viewer] Oh hi!
Jay: Oh hi!
Mike: Welcome to Half in the Bag. I'm your host, Mike Stoklasa, and with me is–
Jay: –I'm Jay Bauman.
Mike: And, uh, we're gonna talk about movies we saw this week, while we're supposed to be fixing Mr. Plinkett's VCR. [brief obligatory shot of the VCR] We saw a few movies this week. The first was called Drive Angry in 3D, and starred Nicolas Cage and a very hot blonde-haired woman. [takes a drink]
Jay: And the second movie we saw was The Adjustment Bureau, starring Matt Damon and a very hot brown-haired woman.
[Mike looks deeply depressed, and the scene cuts to the Drive Angry trailer]
Piper: Just so you know, I don't pick up hitchikers.
Milton: I didn't have my thumb out.
Movie Trailer Voice Guy: Drive Angry. Shot in 3D.
[Back to Plinkett's house]
Jay: Drive Angry is a movie about Nicolas Cage as a man who escapes from Hell... somehow... to rescue his daughter's daughter from being sacrificed by a cult of Satan-worshipers. Which sounds like the greatest movie ever made.
[A few scenes from the trailer, of Milton toppling a vehicle with his gun, before cutting back to Plinkett's]
Mike: The operative phrase there was "sounds like"... would be the greatest film.
Jay: Yes.
Mike: Um, this film was... was acceptable. Um, was a little disappointing. It, ah, it was, it was very vulgar, it was very violent, and it seemed like it was trying too hard to be cool.
[Shots of Milton literally avoiding an axe by a hair in slow-motion, then blowing a window to smithereens with a gunshot]
Mike: Being cool – having your movie be cool – is, is something that happens naturally. It can't be forced. Do you agree?
Jay: I do agree. Yeah. Uh, I kept thinking, while watching this movie, uh, wondering what it would be like if someone like Robert Rodriguez directed the same material. Uh, someone that is a little more adept at handling it, and has a little more style about how they–
Mike: –yeah–
Jay: –how they embrace their schlock.
Mike: Yeah. Yeah. I mean the film sort of reminded me of an Applebee's – in the way where you go into an Applebee's and, and, and it's very, like, fake, and, and manufactured, and, and corporate... uh, unlike a, a family restaurant that's been around for a while, has some sort of character to it. Um, and it was trying to be something that it wasn't.
[Adverts for Drive Angry and Applebee's are played alongside each other]
Applebee's Voice Guy: Come to Applebee's today. New Sizzling Entrees starting at $8.99.
[Back at Plinkett's]
Jay: One of the things that I think kind of weighed it down is Nicolas Cage's performance. He was very, sort of, stoic and boring and monotone.
Mike: Hmm.
Jay: The movie would have benefitted from "batshit insane Nicolas Cage". Uh, uh, Bad Lieutenant and Wicker Man Nicolas Cage.
[Corresponding images of batshit insane Cage play]
Jay: I will say, though, as much as I didn't like Nicolas Cage's performance in the movie, I thought it was a great performance by his hair.
Mike: Oh, his hair was amazing.
Jay: Yeah.
Mike: And, and, about the 3D aspects of the movie. [he gives an ambivalent look] I don't know. Do you like 3D?
Jay: Ah, I generally don't like 3D. I appreciate it more when it's used... uh, like it was used in Drive Angry as just like a cheap, stupid gimmick. Uh, that's about the only time that I find it entertaining. But now everything's in 3D, it sort of loses that–
Mike: –yeah–
Jay: –that novelty.
Mike: I wouldn't want to see Just Go with It with Adam Sandler in 3D.
Jay: Yeah.
Mike: Or, or, I don't know, The King's Speech in 3D.
Jay: Actually that movie probably would have benefitted from 3D.
Mike: Yeah, yeah. But, um–
Jay: Geoffrey Rush's nose would be right in your face.
Mike: Right, right. And his gigantic microphone.
Jay: Mm-hm.
Mike: I don't see what – I think it's just a marketing gimmick.
Jay: Yeah.
Mike: Honestly, because–
Jay: Sure, at this point.
Mike: Well, I see in 3D every day. I've seen in 3D my whole life.
Jay: That's true, yeah.
Mike: So what's, like, when I go watch a movie I wanna watch it in 2D. [Jay nods] I wanna watch a flat screen. I just wanna watch the movie for the performances and the story.
Jay: I just wanna see – in 3D – just boobs and yo-yos.
Mike: Oh, yo-yos.
Jay: That's all I need to see in a 3D movie.
[A few more scenes from Drive Angry to intersperse the conversation]
Mike: So, your, your final thoughts on Drive Angry 3D. [takes a swig of his beer]
Jay: Uh, Drive Angry 3D is not stupid or bad enough to be entertaining.
Mike: My thoughts on the film: if, if you like violence, explosions, boobs, blood, muscle cars, cigars, Jack Daniel's, beer bottles, barfights, sex... guns? Oh, there's a tanker truck that blows up.
Jay: Hay sickles.
Mike: Hay sickles, chains, violence, dirty hotel rooms, Nicolas Cage's hair. If you like all those things, you will love this movie, and you will really enjoy it, but if you're looking for something that's a little... clever or interesting, or different, you would probably not. [they nod in agreement]
Jay: If you're looking for a good movie, or a so-bad-it's-good movie, this one falls... right in the middle.
Mike: Right in the middle. So, it's probably skippable.
Jay: Yeah.
[Few more Drive Angry scenes]
Milton: You can't stop me.
[Back to Plinkett's]
Mike: So at the end of the film Nicolas Cage saves his baby granddaughter from being sacrificed by the Satanic cult and then returns to Hell where he's going to burn forever in eternity. On to our next film, which is called The Adjustment Bureau.
[A couple of scenes from the trailer to The Adjustment Bureau are played]
Mike: Matt Damon plays Matt Damon as a Congressman who's running for Senate in the state of New York. He falls in love with a dancer, played by Emily Blunt, and, uh, his whole world is thrown upside-down when he discovers that there are secret agents running the show of the world. They're adjusting things because they work... they're, they're essentially angels that are working for someone called "The Chairman", which is alluded to, essentially, being God.
Jay: Played by George Burns.
Mike: Who's played by George Burns.
[Corresponding photo-shopped image of George Burns as The Chairman]
Mike: And, of course, the plan is for Matt Damon not to fall in love with this, this very charming woman. Essentially the plot of this movie is, ah, man versus fate. Man versus his own destiny. Um, and making choices – the choices you make, how it adjusts your future and things like that. And it's also a very... very simple, very charming love story.
Jay: That's what surprised me the most, was how... sweet the movie was – it was more of a romance movie and less of an action movie, which I think is what the trailers were, kind of, making it seem to be.
Mike: Uh, only thing I saw was just a few seconds from the trailer, and, and it basically showed Matt Damon running – Matt Damon's always running.
[Footage of David Norris, running away]
Mike: If you're expecting kind of a, really, deep psychological action movie, or something along those lines, you're not really gonna get it from this. There's a couple of kind of interesting chase parts and, stuff like that, but really, it's mostly about those two characters, and they're very charismatic, and, and you really like them.
Jay: Yeah.
Mike: You really like her, especially. She's very charming.
Jay: Yeah, yeah.
Mike: And if she was played by another actress, the whole film would have fallen apart for me. Let's see, who would have, who would have ruined the movie. [Jay chuckles] Um, well Cameron Diaz.
Jay: Oh, God.
Mike: Who, who's the actress with the, the, like squished face? [makes a grotesque face]
Jay: [laughs] Renée Zellweger?
Mike: Yes! Yeah, you, you wouldn't, you wouldn't want to risk the fate of the universe for Renée Zellweger.
[They replay the footage of David Norris, running away]
Jay: I, I should point out that this movie contains two of my favorite overused movie clichés. The, the first one being the hero running to get the girl just as she's about to marry someone else–
Mike: [nods] It's a classic.
Jay: [laughing] It's a classic. And the second one, being, uh, the, expository dialogue delivered with characters on a boat.
Mike: Oh. Right.
Jay: They always feel the need to stop mid-conversation and say "we should talk about this later". Cut to them on a boat.
Mike: They have a clandestine meeting somewhere, and – even though they could finish the conversation there – he says "let's meet, today, at 4 PM, at the docks".
Jay: [smiling] Yeah. Yes.
Mike: And, and I think that's just for a change of visual scenery.
Jay: Sure, sure. But I was just, think about them actually getting to the dock – paying their fare – who pays the fare? Which one of 'em pays the fare?
Mike: Ahh, that's a good question. Or what if the boat is more crowded than where they were before.
Jay: Yeah, yeah.
Mike: But, maybe the guy just likes boat rides.
[They replay the footage of David Norris, running away, again]
Mike: So, yeah, I, I, I would recommend The Adjustment Bureau to the right audience.
Jay: Yeah.
Mike: I would recommend it to Grandma.
Jay: Sure, sure.
Mike: Or, or, if you're taking a date.
Jay: Yeah. It's a very, it's a very safe, uh, bland Hollywood movie. It's inoffensive, it's not pandering, not great, not bad, very sort of middle-of-the-road, well-made, well-acted, not very complicated–
Mike: It won't be remembered for decades to come.
Jay: No.
Mike: But, you won't wanna kill yourself while you're watching it.
[They replay the footage of David Norris, running away, again, followed by a replay of batshit insane Nicolas Cage]
Jay: Maybe we should actually take a look at the VCR now.
Mike: Well that wraps up this episode. We'll see you guys next time, when we're gonna review the new, um–
[All of a sudden, George Lucas walks into Plinkett's house, accompanied by two thugs armed with a hammer and a crowbar. Lucas points, and the thugs proceed to smash Plinkett's belongings over the course of a few moments. Lucas makes a generic filmmaker pose and nods as the destruction continues, then eventually signals for them to leave. Mike and Jay are left sitting there awkwardly, and the episode ends]